Of Transient Sunsets

The day we parked in an empty lot while the streets were quiet and the moon was burning was one of my favorite days. The memory of my head on your shoulder, how nicely my cheek fits into your collar, the touch of my skin sticking to yours. I’d cuddle up to your side, inhaling the potion of your natural scent and your musky perfume. It was one of those smells that could comfort you instantly, just with the familiarity and sense of you. You’d smile at me for a while, just gazing into my eyes and then you’d dip down and steal a quick kiss. We enjoyed being entangled in each other’s arms, talking about things that didn’t really matter.

On those days when I feel like I’m drowning in the crowd, I realized I have been living in oblivion for as long as I can remember. And when you came into my life, all I wanted was to know your story. Just laying in bed together, curled up in the sheets, while I stare at your face and listen to your voice. As if all I ever wanted at that moment was to immerse myself in your affection believing that you have so much to offer, all genuine and real.

Those instances with you, feels like home. Like I could put my walls down and still be safe.

It’s like you created this solid barrier from everything that was negative in my world. Somehow, you managed to take it all away- the doubt and fear. You drew it away from me in those seconds I was close to you. It was a comfort I hadn’t felt in a long time- a comfort I just usually find in a few people.

But this comfort, this feeling of solace, will always be fleeting. 

That’s why people love sunsets. Shooting stars. Fireworks. 

Because these are fleeting moments that do not happen every single second of our waking life. They happen once a day, a month, a year or on special days. And when they’re in front of us, we have no choice but to take them in as much as we can because they go away too. And when they’re gone, we can’t wish for them to come back.

People are like that. They’re transitory. Right now, you may always be around but tomorrow, you might wake up feeling different. That’s why I cherish those moments of security and soundness, and that’s why we value things precisely, because of their impermanence.

Eventhough the world seems brighter now because it had been filtered through strands of fear, I am still submerged in skepticism.

The Constant Blow

This thing we have is like going on a trip without any itinerary. It’s like going to a place where nobody knows you and nobody speaks your language. It’s like sleeping and not knowing if ever you’re going to waking up. There are days we will get lost, get tired and scared and sometimes, we would just want to give up.

But that’s not how it’s supposed to be, at least I’m expecting, because I believe that’s not what this thing is meant for. We should be that tiny voice in each other’s heads that will say we’ll find our way when we’re lost, we will be able to speak our hearts out without any use of words - because really, it’s the action that matters in the end. And if we both don’t get scared, we might have a chance into waking up into a beautiful morning. 

I know this thing we have will change us in ways we don’t expect. We might be able to say things we normally don’t - it might make us seem like we’ve swallowed sugar coated marshmallows when we speak, it might make us swear like a sailor when we’re mad. It might make us do things we never thought we’re capable of - it might make us go for that extra mile even when we’re already tired. It might even make us shut up even when there’s lots of things we would like to scream in each other’s faces, it might even make us learn to pretend to listen to the other blab about things that we find boring.

With all the books published, songs written, movies focused about this kind of thing, I guess we still have no idea what it really is. Or maybe we do, but there’s so much about it that’s been put out there that we don’t know what to look at, what to believe, or what’s real.

If there’s one thing I know though, this kind of thing complicates life in such gravity unimaginable that it alters you permanently and leaves you miles away from who you started as. But despite the mess it leaves us with, we can’t help but still want it. We’d rather feel the blow repeatedly than to feel nothing at all.

Honestly, a lot of people are scared of this thing but like always, it’s either you find something to be happy about, or you can be ignorant and full of despair. It’s just always a matter of perspective. Happiness is a relative choice, at least most of the time.

So maybe tonight, if there’s someone you’re thinking about and fretting over, and you’re trying to figure out if you want the fall, believe me, sometimes you just got to let yourself land.

To A Certain Extent

Parting is never easy, it never feels fair. It was a far screaming from the echo they heard in each other’s laughter when the times were good. He knew she wasn’t going to give in even if she could hear his breathing, as they watched the sky as it started to drizzle.

Damp, she looked at him while he smiled awkwardly; as if there was more he wanted to say but was just afraid to. She seemed so strong not to cry, as the rain drops piled and fell on her skin. She knew that was it, that they weren’t working on making things better- instead, they were drifting between the sheets, in opposite directions.

Then without wanting, tears swept down his face. She also shed a tear or two- at the distressing note of their relationship, of how much more it burned than it glistened.

He was convinced that there was still room to grow between them, but all she felt was the distance that would come. For her, there wasn’t any more room to maneuver back, and start over.  He tried to win her back by his words but she said nothing, as if silence spoke for her. She just couldn’t say as much to him.

And it’s just that kind of personal comfort zone you get into with another person, which is sometimes blurred in these intimate moments. You get caught up in all that silent logic that reminds you of the things you say or didn’t say to the other person. All those things you hold on to, no matter how little they are, that you wished didn’t bother you but did. All those madness and heartaches they tolerated for years just drove them further away from the center where they started.

Somehow, they knew they were going to reach this day- that there was more than their love being lost between them. What they have built for years was over, everything. 

She watched him as he kept moving relentlessly like he want to reach over, and maybe hold her. She almost wanted to let him, but she she knew it would just make everything worse. She knew that if she held him in her arms, she might consider the thought of taking him back .

Nevertheless, she still stood up and leaned in, kissed him on the forehead, felt his lips for the last time, while she held his head between the palm of her hands. It was a slow lingering kiss as she felt the weight of her body collapsing in his as she wrapped his arms around her waist. She sobbed soulfully, her weak arms clasped to his body, while in her mind she was slowly thanking him for everything good that happened in her life.