Of Transient Sunsets

The day we parked in an empty lot while the streets were quiet and the moon was burning was one of my favorite days. The memory of my head on your shoulder, how nicely my cheek fits into your collar, the touch of my skin sticking to yours. I’d cuddle up to your side, inhaling the potion of your natural scent and your musky perfume. It was one of those smells that could comfort you instantly, just with the familiarity and sense of you. You’d smile at me for a while, just gazing into my eyes and then you’d dip down and steal a quick kiss. We enjoyed being entangled in each other’s arms, talking about things that didn’t really matter.

On those days when I feel like I’m drowning in the crowd, I realized I have been living in oblivion for as long as I can remember. And when you came into my life, all I wanted was to know your story. Just laying in bed together, curled up in the sheets, while I stare at your face and listen to your voice. As if all I ever wanted at that moment was to immerse myself in your affection believing that you have so much to offer, all genuine and real.

Those instances with you, feels like home. Like I could put my walls down and still be safe.

It’s like you created this solid barrier from everything that was negative in my world. Somehow, you managed to take it all away- the doubt and fear. You drew it away from me in those seconds I was close to you. It was a comfort I hadn’t felt in a long time- a comfort I just usually find in a few people.

But this comfort, this feeling of solace, will always be fleeting. 

That’s why people love sunsets. Shooting stars. Fireworks. 

Because these are fleeting moments that do not happen every single second of our waking life. They happen once a day, a month, a year or on special days. And when they’re in front of us, we have no choice but to take them in as much as we can because they go away too. And when they’re gone, we can’t wish for them to come back.

People are like that. They’re transitory. Right now, you may always be around but tomorrow, you might wake up feeling different. That’s why I cherish those moments of security and soundness, and that’s why we value things precisely, because of their impermanence.

Eventhough the world seems brighter now because it had been filtered through strands of fear, I am still submerged in skepticism.

The Constant Blow

This thing we have is like going on a trip without any itinerary. It’s like going to a place where nobody knows you and nobody speaks your language. It’s like sleeping and not knowing if ever you’re going to waking up. There are days we will get lost, get tired and scared and sometimes, we would just want to give up.

But that’s not how it’s supposed to be, at least I’m expecting, because I believe that’s not what this thing is meant for. We should be that tiny voice in each other’s heads that will say we’ll find our way when we’re lost, we will be able to speak our hearts out without any use of words - because really, it’s the action that matters in the end. And if we both don’t get scared, we might have a chance into waking up into a beautiful morning. 

I know this thing we have will change us in ways we don’t expect. We might be able to say things we normally don’t - it might make us seem like we’ve swallowed sugar coated marshmallows when we speak, it might make us swear like a sailor when we’re mad. It might make us do things we never thought we’re capable of - it might make us go for that extra mile even when we’re already tired. It might even make us shut up even when there’s lots of things we would like to scream in each other’s faces, it might even make us learn to pretend to listen to the other blab about things that we find boring.

With all the books published, songs written, movies focused about this kind of thing, I guess we still have no idea what it really is. Or maybe we do, but there’s so much about it that’s been put out there that we don’t know what to look at, what to believe, or what’s real.

If there’s one thing I know though, this kind of thing complicates life in such gravity unimaginable that it alters you permanently and leaves you miles away from who you started as. But despite the mess it leaves us with, we can’t help but still want it. We’d rather feel the blow repeatedly than to feel nothing at all.

Honestly, a lot of people are scared of this thing but like always, it’s either you find something to be happy about, or you can be ignorant and full of despair. It’s just always a matter of perspective. Happiness is a relative choice, at least most of the time.

So maybe tonight, if there’s someone you’re thinking about and fretting over, and you’re trying to figure out if you want the fall, believe me, sometimes you just got to let yourself land.

To A Certain Extent

Parting is never easy, it never feels fair. It was a far screaming from the echo they heard in each other’s laughter when the times were good. He knew she wasn’t going to give in even if she could hear his breathing, as they watched the sky as it started to drizzle.

Damp, she looked at him while he smiled awkwardly; as if there was more he wanted to say but was just afraid to. She seemed so strong not to cry, as the rain drops piled and fell on her skin. She knew that was it, that they weren’t working on making things better- instead, they were drifting between the sheets, in opposite directions.

Then without wanting, tears swept down his face. She also shed a tear or two- at the distressing note of their relationship, of how much more it burned than it glistened.

He was convinced that there was still room to grow between them, but all she felt was the distance that would come. For her, there wasn’t any more room to maneuver back, and start over.  He tried to win her back by his words but she said nothing, as if silence spoke for her. She just couldn’t say as much to him.

And it’s just that kind of personal comfort zone you get into with another person, which is sometimes blurred in these intimate moments. You get caught up in all that silent logic that reminds you of the things you say or didn’t say to the other person. All those things you hold on to, no matter how little they are, that you wished didn’t bother you but did. All those madness and heartaches they tolerated for years just drove them further away from the center where they started.

Somehow, they knew they were going to reach this day- that there was more than their love being lost between them. What they have built for years was over, everything. 

She watched him as he kept moving relentlessly like he want to reach over, and maybe hold her. She almost wanted to let him, but she she knew it would just make everything worse. She knew that if she held him in her arms, she might consider the thought of taking him back .

Nevertheless, she still stood up and leaned in, kissed him on the forehead, felt his lips for the last time, while she held his head between the palm of her hands. It was a slow lingering kiss as she felt the weight of her body collapsing in his as she wrapped his arms around her waist. She sobbed soulfully, her weak arms clasped to his body, while in her mind she was slowly thanking him for everything good that happened in her life. 

One Day, You Will

One day you will find someone who won’t take you to breakfast dates because he knows you like waking up late, nor he won’t call you around eight in the morning to remind you to meet him later at nine because he will wait until you wake up, even if it means waiting until one in the afternoon. 

One day you will find someone who won’t read to you his favorite books because he knows you like reading alone and in silence, he’d let you and he’d just sit beside you quietly and contentedly. 

One day you will find someone who wouldn’t take you to bars or concerts because he will sing every song in the world to you, even write songs for you. 

One day you will find someone who wouldn’t take you to expensive restaurants where you’re obliged to wear something pretty because he will be fine eating take-out chinese food on boxes with you while you lie on your tummy watching movies.

One day you will find someone who won’t write you letters because there wouldn’t be anything else he can’t say to you straight face, or whisper in your ear. 

One day you will find someone who wouldn’t give you flowers or matching necklaces on your birthdays, just books or cards. 

One day you will find someone who wouldn’t tell you good night because he wouldn’t put down the phone as you talk, as he hears you breathe at the end of the line, as he wait for another day, one more day, one other day, to spend with you.

One day you will find someone who would never see you among a crowd because he’s always beside you, his hand with yours.

One day, you will. 

Throw Caution To The Wind

The first time I got to hang out with you, it felt like I was in gradeschool. The word crush suddenly crashed again into my vocabulary. You were that guy who looked so confident and honestly, you weren’t exactly mister nice guy in my mind. But you were cute and attractive and very amusing to talk to and as the days went by you proved all my wrong impressions. You talked about cars and photography and many other things I was also interested in. That day we first got to talk, I couldn’t help but stare and mind everything about you. How your scent seems to be a kiss from the morning sun, it just blew my mind away. The way you carry yourself well in simple shirt and shorts, it was just really nice to look at. And when you smiled at me, I swear that I was already secretly giggling from the inside. But just like gradeschool, I thought those feelings were just going to be gone like an ice cream van.

The next time I got to hang out with you, it wasn’t like some puppy crush anymore. There was something about my feelings for you that went straight into my veins. You already made me blush plus there was this nervous feeling about being afraid of messing things up. The way you fix your surfer guy hair, the way you walk with a stance, the way you look at me, it already made my heart skip a beat. 

And then you started to ask me out, we started to held hands, we started being sweet to each other. It’s as if every time were together, we instantly connect. The way you look into my eyes, you make me feel something more than just a gaze. But instead, a feeling of what falling in love would look like. That’s when I realized that I was already falling for you. 

When I talk to you, I realized that most of the time my sentences are trailing off. I always lose focus, just watching your lips move, the rhythm of your fingers tapping on the table, the way you look at me as if I’m going to melt. The way you put your arms around me and sing to me, it’s mesmerizing. Everything you do just makes me want you more. 

I love how you are mystery to me, a new puzzle to solve. I can never understand how you are someone who I can spend hours with, and still want more. Or how no matter how long we stay on the phone, I already miss you the second we get off.  Or how even if I’m having the worst day ever, just one text from you already brightens me up. Most of all, I can never understand how odd it is who I just met can feel like home and give me comfort and security of years, even though I’ve only known you for a few weeks. 

It’s just that, as every day goes by, I’m liking you more and more. I’m so caught up with how much I like you and want you in my life, it’s terrifying. But when I remember how much I want to make you feel better on your worst days or how your smile already makes me happy, or how you sweep me off my feet every single time, I know you’re not just some crush anymore. This is something else and I know it might be scary, but this time I’m willing to risk. 

Heartaches In A Glass

She couldn’t wait until it was over. She laid in bed, pretending to be sleeping, not hearing her parents fighting. She was only six years old, trying to take in the shouting and the arguing. She just rolled over in her bed, grabbed her lucky pillow, trying to fall asleep.

She thought that was normal, that it was going to be over, that every morning would be something new. She never realized that night was the beginning of something, the start of filling up a glass of anguish and distress until she grew up and had a mind of her own.

Fights, fights, fights. She fell in love so she knew how it felt, though not really in the context of marriage. She tried to comprehend and not rebel, since they gave everything to her. They were both good to her so she had to figure out how to make sense of everything.

For months, they were cold. Not sleeping in the same bedroom, not talking to each other, skipping family Sundays.

Then one night, one of them burst out. One of them had to leave. She never realized the glass was already full. She always taught she was coming back, but never did, until now.

She was always strong about this because she had to, for so many reasons. She’s still confused and baffled, but she couldn’t do anything. She had to go with the flow, let things happen, since it wasn’t her problem anyway.

Except, she’s bugged. She always wondered what’s the next step.

She’s okay, she doesn’t have any love-related problems, but somehow, because of this, a part of her is scared and can’t go on.

Everything’s still vague and she doesn’t have her lucky pillow anymore. 

This Rare Thing

The setting: mid-afternoon, inside the car, on a highway, drinks on the cup holder. 

We were listening to his kind of songs, some I would listen, some I would never. There were a couple of alternative rock and sappy (really sappy) love songs. I usually love to be the one in charge of the music, but this time, I didn’t care. 

All I thought about was this day was already a part of our lives. It wasn’t so special, it wasn’t even an epiphanic moment, no bolt of lightning. It just felt right. Just the music and the sound of the cars outside. That kind of moment that made me afraid that if I started talking, I’d ruin everything.

I never planned to stay with a guy this long. I’m only nineteen, we got together when I was fifteen. I fell in love with the way he played his guitar and sang in highschool, I fell in love with the first time he drew my face. I fell in love how we both love cars and want to open a garage in the future. I will always remember how he made me fall in love head over heels, up until now. He wasn’t only my lover, but my soulmate.

And as I thought about those things, I realized:

That what we have is rare. People search their whole lives to find something like this and us, we got it early. And honestly, there is nowhere else in the universe I would rather be at this moment. I would like to travel, go to Paris, or even see the ruins of Machu Picchu. But no, I would rather stay here, beside him, in this car, occasionally staring on the shadows of his face lit by the sun.

There’s nowhere else I could imagine wanting to be besides him, on this road, listening to our favorite songs, road tripping.

And if ever he breaks my heart, no matter what hell he puts me through, I can say it was worth it, just because of this moment. 

(Happy 62nd, L.)