Teenage Rage I

Apparently, I don’t drink a lot anymore and I’ve been quite sober for months. I’ve been tasting alcohol every now and then, but really nothing beyond it.

Believe it or not, lately, I’ve been one of the rare few who enjoys watching my friends get drunk as the night goes deeper. Though the thought of posting their hilarious videos on YouTube never occurred to me; that’s because I’d like to keep the enjoyment to myself. Seeing other people loosen up a bit and forget everything negative that’s happening with their own lives is kind of uphealing. People might recognize me as the lucky girl who doesn’t get any problems with less reasons to mess up, maybe they’re right. Apparently, I have no rational basis to go crazy and wild. I stopped doing things that would cause my parents unease. I’ve been really good lately, and sometimes I’m not sure if I like it. 

It’s just, I was always too weak to do the bad thing. Even if there were chances where in I find reasons to lash out on someone because of disappointment, I don’t get mad but instead I just forgive. The times wherein I find myself in the middle of some kind of pressure people put me into, I stop minding and still try to be rational and sympathetic. I’m in this years wherein I’m supposed to use my raging teenage hormones as an excuse to get wild but lately, I’ve always tried to do the grown-up thing. It’s not that I don’t like being all prim because I do and honestly, I think I’m even supposed to be thankful for it. Not all kids who are in the same age bracket as mine can think things through before making any decisions but I was able to. 

Maybe I just really miss having reasons to be immature and irrational.

For the record, there’s not much going on with my life. Life has been generally good to me lately but it’s boring. Well, maybe it’s not that good-good but I don’t find any reasons to get stressed except for school. It’s like I’m craving for a little chaos in my life- something to make my life more interesting (but maybe I’m just saying this and not really wishing for it to happen).

I guess at the back of my mind, the times where in I used to get drunk every night was just some sort of “social experiment.” I wanted to know what the feeling was like because many people enjoyed it. And also, I was at the point of identity crisis. I didn’t know where my life was headed. But now, I really feel like things are in my hands. I’ve known how to control myself more and the things around me.

However, I am not saying that drinking is ridiculous when you’re in the middle of pressure because you actually get to forget things for a night. But really, during my rockstar days, where I flunked some of my subjects and did things people won’t expect me to do, I just realized that I didn’t really get something out of it (except for a night worth remembering and good times with friends, of course).

So really, maybe there’s one good thing and that’s the thought that I don’t need a drink to loosen up and that’s not because I can hear my parent’s voice inside my head, but because I actually know that aside from that, there’s nothing I can get from those experiences. I’ve been irresponsible and I really did a lot of stupid things. There were mornings where in I woke up feeling stupid because of the past night. It doesn’t make me a bad girl (because that’s not what I intend to impress), but it makes me quite more than normal now that I can handle things more in a more grounded way.

I guess I just really grew up.